Then and Now
by Jordyn.Rhae
Summary: As a ninja dying wasn't something foreign, we knew what the risks were after all. I've seen more deaths than most people would in their entire life, it was the bitter reality and I accepted it. But as of now... I couldn't. I was suffocating.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

 **Warning:** Mild swearing.

* * *

I was fiddling with my fingers. I couldn't stop shaking. The thought of not knowing what would...could happen-the improbable, the unknown- scared me. All these "what if" questions raced through my mind, it felt like I was drowning in my own worries.

I sat on the bench at the East Wing of the hospital. Ino sat close to my right and from the corner of my eye I could see her shaking hands folded together as she silently prayed to herself. She hadn't opened her mouth all day and why would she? She had nothing to talk about- no gossip or daily updates about her love life- the usual talkative and outspoken blonde was no longer present. Instead it was replaced with a reserved and hushed one.

Chouji, on the other hand, was leaning against the vending machine in front of me. His arms were crossed over his chest and his head hung low. He no longer carried a bag of his favourite barbeque chips or any other type of snack in that matter. He stopped eating, losing a significant amount of weight, and he hardly left the hospital.

Not a word had been uttered since arriving there. Others would come by from time to time, but I stayed behind for majority of the day. Ino and Chouji would stay as much as they could and surprisingly so did Kankuro when he too found the time. Gaara, being the Kazekage, had to return to Suna, but had temporarily took Kankuro and myself off the mission's list for the time being. Neither of them would admit it, but I knew my brothers grew fond over him; they cared about his wellbeing as much as they cared for mine.

Yoshino couldn't even step into the hospital without breaking down. She avoided the dreaded place and distracted herself by doing chores around the house or running errands -heck she even started gardening and I knew exactly how much she hated it. Every day, on my way back from the hospital, she'd always get back the same response as to whether her son had woken; "No." I could see the sad light shimmering in her eyes as her heart sunk into a dark abyss every time she heard my answer. She was a strong and willed woman, but I never blamed her for showing her weak side.

I peered down to the ground. I took in every detail of the floor; they were ceramic tiles, nothing special really. I noticed from the lack of dirt and stains on its immaculate white surface that they were cleaned regularly. My eyes shifted from the floor to my sandals, taking in all the scuff marks and dirt on them. I wanted to do something, needed to do something actually, but the heavy weight on my shoulders prevented me from leaving the hospital bench.

I needed a distraction and apparently looking back and forth from the floor to my sandals was the only thing I could think of at the moment. My eyes abruptly stopped when I felt my eyes water. A single tear rolled down to my cheek before I wiped it off. I was crying.

I couldn't recall the last time I let myself cry; crying showed fragility and vulnerability, but that's exactly how I felt. I felt bare and stripped from everything that mattered most. The sound of soft muffles, rushing footsteps and the buzzing of the hospital machines- that was the sound of death- the sound of it tormenting me and I desperately wanted to block it out. Life was running past me and I was falling behind.

As a kunoichi I knew better than to let my emotions get the best of me. I forcefully trained myself through vigorous training to conceal my emotions; fear was not an option on a mission. And as a ninja dying wasn't something foreign, we knew what the risks were after all. I've seen more deaths than most people would in their entire life, it was the bitter reality and I accepted it.

But as of now... I couldn't. Not this time.

I slouched down and closed my eyes.

 _I was panting hard; I felt my heart pounding against my chest and my lungs violently tightening as I was urgently gasping for air. My mouth was dry and my throat hurt. I tried to get up, but my legs failed me; the attack left me on all fours. I heard my opponent cry a maniacal laugh. My fan was nowhere in sight and my chakra was running dangerously low._

 _I had been ambushed. One second I was jumping tree to tree heading to Konoha then the next thing I knew I found myself crossed in an uptight battle with a group of Rogue ninjas. The battle lasted for who knows how long, I couldn't even recall the first half of the fight. There were four enemies to begin with and now three remained unconscious. One was left._ _I heard heavy footsteps approaching me._

' _No. This cannot be the end.'_

 _I tried to get up again but the pain from my legs was just too excruciating to bear. I knew from the loud crack beforehand and the agonizing chest pain that a few of my ribs were broken. My entire body had been beaten leaving dark bruises all over. Blood was dripping slowly down my neck from the knife slice I received before. I kept one hand on the wound to hopefully stop the bleeding, but the blood continued to run between my fingers and down my arm. My stomach twisted as a sickening stench filled my nose from the large pool of blood surrounding me- my blood. My lungs were collapsing as I was suffocating from the lack of oxygen. I felt light-headed and my vision began to blur. I was defeated and I knew it._

 _I looked up to my enemy._

 _My blood suddenly ran cold; a grin was plastered across the enemy's face. "So long."_ _He threw one of his poisonous darts at me._

' _Move!' I commanded my body, but it refused to respond. The dart was coming straight at me. 'Move!' Again no response. A single cry escaped my mouth; I was a dead man._

 _I had lost all hope when someone suddenly came in front of me taking the hit. My eyes widen._

 _His back was the last thing I saw before I collapsed._

I didn't know what happened next. I woke up to find myself in Konoha's hospital and was informed that I was out for five days straight. My brothers were there when I regained consciousness, by my bedside, petrified and scared to death. They had left Suna as soon as they heard about my critical state. I remembered Sakura telling me that my chances of survival were slim with the amount of injuries and blood loss I had. It was a miracle, she had said, that I survived.

But when I pressed the question about him, she looked down to the floor and bit her lip. She avoided my gaze, but knew it was futile. "Temari," she began slowly, "his condition…his injuries...they're worse than yours. We've been trying to stabilize him, but his body isn't responding properly to our treatment and if this continues then…" She had paused for a few seconds and hesitated to begin again. "…I don't know how long he can hold on before his body breaks down" she ended softly.

The poison, that he took the blow for, was unlike any other. It attacked him from the inside out at an instant. The poison started to eat off his major organs; slowing them down first to the point where it would shut down completely then started to disintegrate. It started at his left lung, where the dart had pierced him, where it then spread to his right one...then his heart. By the time he reached the Konoha gates his organs had commenced shutting down on him and the poison had contaminated his blood stream spreading to his entire body. It's been three week since the ambush and he still hasn't woken up from his state. I buried my face in my hands.

' _If you die now,'_ I thought to myself _'I will never forgive you.'_

I didn't always care about him. It wasn't always like this either- my relationship with him. In fact it's kind of hard to imagine how it all came to be. I would have never foreseen being with a guy such as himself. Never.

The very first time I met him was during the Chunin Exams. We fought each other at the final round. At the time I knew, without a doubt, I was going to win against that lame excuse of a ninja. My gosh, karma must have hated me back then because I couldn't believe when he won against me. He played with me and I was stupid enough to blindly step into his trap. I never made contact with him since, I was thankful too. It was short lived though because a few months later I saved his ass from that irritating flute girl. Saving his skin after my defeat in the exams was sweet. I guess I called it even after that. I had never realized till later on that this was how everything started with us. The foundation of our "relationship" started from a small one way rivalry I had with him, although, it really kicked off when I became Suna's ambassador and he became my guide.

Honestly, at the time, I wasn't sure if I considered myself grateful or what. He was just a pain and so damn lazy. I mean I knew he was both of those, but I didn't realize exactly _how_ much of a pain and lazy he could be until I started working with him. I remember constantly waiting for his arrival just so I could start the day. He'd always be late and had me waiting for an hour one time. I wasn't a particularly patient person either and even made it clear to him the first day we worked together.

Organizing the Chunin Exam displayed a huge problem for me. No, being handpicked by Gaara to be Suna's ambassador and organizing the Chunin Exam wasn't the issue. I appreciatively accepted the task when my brother placed it upon me. I couldn't turn it down even if I wanted to because turning down a mission was like turning down Gaara, and despite my annoyance to him I loved him too much to actually do that. No, my problem wasn't this mission; my problem was that lazy ass! His tardiness was so infuriating, the way he barely gave a damn about the Exam and how little effort he put into something so important pissed me off. I've been so tempted to barge into Tsunade's office and demanding a new guide. But I stopped myself each time I thought of such idea. Complaining, especially now being Suna's ambassador, would not look good on my reputation nor Suna's. Besides, Tsunade had assured me beforehand that he was the best candidate. I had to trust the Hokage. I couldn't go against her judgment even though I thought otherwise.

" _You're late," I growled between my teeth with both hands on my hips._

" _Sorry. Got held up."_

 _I scoffed. "By what?"_

" _Don't worry about it woman." waving his hand._

 _I groaned. "Is this going to be a regular thing?"_

 _He shrugged lazily._

" _You're such a pain in the ass."_

" _Thanks." he said dryly._

I considered us to be co-workers and nothing else so the first time he declared me his "friend" I was taken back. A friend? We were friends? I mean the only time we saw each other was when I came to Konoha for Suna business. I would come to Konoha and he'd be there waiting for my arrival (his punctuality had gotten better over time). We would first stop by my apartment, grab something to eat and then start working. We did this every time I came to visit, it was an unspoken custom we had. We never established it in words it just fell into place by itself.

His laziness of course never grew old, but I learned to somewhat endure it. He'd complain all day about how I was too troublesome, but he never did anything to stop it. I had to admit that after being with him he actually wasn't _that_ bad to be with. He listened to whatever I had to say (or at least pretended to) and he always paid for lunch (more like I forced him to). It was a routine for us. But the more I pondered about being his "friend" the more I realized that I too considered him a friend. I never noticed how comfortable I was getting with him as time flew by. I almost overlooked him and our relationship. He didn't show much concern about me, but I knew he cared.

" _What's this?" I asked with one brow up as he held a gladiolus eye level to me. I suspiciously eyed the purple flower as if it was something dangerous._

 _He blinked once. Then twice. "It's a freakin flower Temari what else?"_

" _I can see that," I snapped._

" _Then why are you asking what it is? It'll be less troublesome if you didn't ask a question you already knew the answer to."_

 _I rolled my eyes. "I meant why are you givin-"_

" _Happy birthday Temari," he cut me off._

 _My mouth was left slightly ajar. I quickly closed it shut._

" _What?" I was astonished. I didn't think he'd care about something such as my birthday, my own brothers could barely remember when it was._

" _Woman I'm pretty sure you're not deaf. You heard me the first time."_

 _"You didn't have to-"_

 _I got cut off by him again. "Friends give each other presents don't they?_ "

 _I remained quiet. Friends huh._

" _Temari just take it," he said and with that I took the flower from his grip and the corner of my lips slightly curved upwards._

We became a team. A well-functioning team actually. We've been assigned to duo missions together as it was clear to many that we were the most compatible two man squad there was.

He was the best strategist between the both of us so it only made sense that he was made the commander in our missions. But he never once looked down upon me during the missions and considered me any less than he was. He was in charge, but I was still his equal. We were partners, the A team.

And he was one hell of a good partner. He knew me better than I knew myself. He had the capability to read my thoughts, without verbal communication, and acted accordingly during missions. He foresaw my actions and adjusted his own to compliment mine. I knew every one of his signals and what each gesture meant. I no longer needed to be in defense mode from ambushes because I knew he was covering my back. And when it came to dangerous situations I knew that I could entrust my life in his hands to bail us out.

We weren't like other people though; we never actually admit that we enjoyed one another's company. I had a lot of friends, but none that I considered this close as him. I didn't like opening up to people all too much, but he was different.

I told him a lot of personal things, things about my brothers, my childhood, my parents. There was no such thing as secrets in our relationship, I trusted him because I knew, unlike Ino or Naruto, he could keep his mouth shut about it. He was the first I'd tell things to. He was the first.

And surprisingly I too was his first.

 _"Jonin?" I choked in disbelief._

 _He nodded._

 _"The Hokage promoted you to become a Jonin." I repeated._

 _He nodded again._

 _"Well it's about time!" I exclaimed punching his arm as a form of congratulations._

 _"You troublesome woman," he groaned as he massaged where I had punched him, "so abusive."_

 _He laid back down against the cool grass on the hilltop. His hands were placed behind his head, cushioning it from the rough surface. His eyes were close and a quiet hum fell upon us._

 _It was relaxing to finally have a day off from all the paperwork. All the competitors from the Chunin Exam were going home while the victors were probably out celebrating their new rank. Organizing the Exam was no S-rank mission, but it was draining nonetheless. This was a well-deserved break we needed after hosting the Exams._

 _"You know…" he said breaking the few minutes of silence, "you're the only one who knows about the Jonin promotion so...keep your mouth quiet about this alright Tem?"_

 _I frowned. I shifted my head to face him. He didn't tell Chouji? "You didn't tell your best friend about this? Isn't that kind of...weird?"_

 _"Tell my best friend?" He reopened his eyes to meet my own. "I just did."_

There's a handful of people in his life that he finds troublesome such as Ino who constantly bickers at him and Naruto who doesn't comprehend the word "quiet" in any given situation.

There's three people that could get him off his ass: his mother, the Hokage and myself. Although his mother and the Hokage would tie for number one for this list. He claimed his mother was "the bossiest woman" in his life and the Hokage would just "abuse her power" and use her superiority to get him to go to missions.

There's two people that he looked up to: Asuma who saw him beyond the slacker he was and his father (although he'd never admit it).

But there's only one person that could push him to his limits: me.

I've always pushed his buttons. Always. At first it was entertaining to push him around. But now? Now I do it because I wanted him to exceed. I challenged him because I saw his potential and I nagged him because I cared...cared a little too much for my liking.

He always had my respect, my appreciation, and my gratitude, but a new set of feelings laid out in front of me- affection. I couldn't look at him the same. His brown eyes were no longer _just_ brown they were a warm chestnut, but when the sun hits his iris just right it would change to a golden amber. His voice wasn't gravelly anymore, but was now calm and soothing. And he was built like _actually_ built despite what most may think for a lazy-ass. You could see the silhouette of his muscles and his well-defined abs when his shirt lifts up a little as he stretches.

The emotions didn't just crash upon me over night either, it came gradually. It crept up from behind like a silent enemy; I would have never seen it coming. I began to restrain myself from him to the point that I even started pushing other girls at him, thinking it'd be easier to get over him if he wasn't available.

There was something that made me rethink about telling him- a force of some kind. Maybe I was worried about ruining our friendship or scared of getting rejected, but I knew deep down it all came down to pride. I had too much pride; it served as my greatest strength, helping me reach my goals and not admit defeat, but it was also my greatest flaw.

The secrets that I would normally reveal to him we're now kept to a minimum. I kept a lot of things from him like the fact that I was in denial. Or the fact that I was in conflict with myself for three months or the fact that I had tried, with every ounce of effort in my body, to push my emotions aside and avoid them all together. I didn't tell him those. I didn't tell him that …I was falling for him.

" _Thank you once again! You were a big help," Shiho cheered, bowing low._

" _It's nothing," he said shoving his hands in his pocket. "I'll see you around then."_

 _Shiho's eyes brighten in delight as a blush was creeping onto her face replacing her normally pale complexion. "Yeah ...I'll see you around" she squealed softly. The blonde turned to my direction, "I'll see you around too Temari-san." I waved goodbye as the blonde skipped off into the distance._

 _She liked him, it was plain and obvious. Her blush and body language gave it away and I couldn't entirely blame her for it. It was wrong- it felt so wrong and it bothered me. It was this irking feeling. Why did I feel like this? I didn't like him…at least that's what I wanted to convince myself._

 _"She's your type," I said out loud before I could stop myself._

 _He gazed in my direction. "What?" he said confusingly._

 _"She's your type," I found myself saying again this time pointing at the small blonde figure from afar. "Shiho's your type; someone normal, quiet and not the slightest bit troublesome. Perfect girlfriend material." The hell was wrong with me?_

 _He stared at me hard before he followed the direction of my finger and watched Shiho's figure fade away._

 _We were at his apartment the next day, drowned by the massive load of paper work that had to be done for the Chunin Exams. We sat at the small dining table where I was at one end and he was on the other, with a towering stack of paper that filled the gap between us._

 _I heard his pen drop followed by a heavy sigh. There was a shuffling sound as he pushed his chair back to get up._

" _You want water?" he asked stretching his arms up._ _I didn't say anything, not bothering to look up and ruin my concentration._

 _It was a rhetorical question. He knew what my answer was anyway and surely enough he came back from the kitchen with two glasses of water. He placed one glass by his side of the table and walked over to where I sat._ _He came up from behind, leaning forward as he hovered over my shoulder._

" _She's not my type," he said randomly placing the second glass by my hand. "Shiho I mean."_ _I stopped for a brief second then continued to write, but I knew he noticed._ _"Loud, stubborn and troublesome…that's my type of girlfriend," he whispered softly, close to my ear. I paused. "So I guess you fit the description Tem."_

"Temari." The sudden voice made me jerk back to reality, realizing I was still at the hospital I looked up to see a familiar pinkette staring back at me.

"Sakura." I replied as I quickly sprung up to my feet, bring myself in front of her. Sakura had her hair tied back from her tired face; she was wearing a white uniform and holding onto a blue clipboard on one hand. I swallowed hard. I felt Chouji and Ino's presence right behind me.

"He's awake."

* * *

We were left alone in the room together. He struggled to sit up from his position, but prevailed. I eyed him before quickly turning away from his gaze though I still felt his eyes fixed upon me.

"You're an ass" my voice cracked, fighting the tears threatening to fall. I turned back to him. "You're an idiot for saving me. Why did you _have_ to do it?"

He didn't answer instead he held out his palm and reached for my hand. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him. I shuffled forward, showing little resistance from his tugging and with his free hand he cupped my left cheek. Our foreheads touched and I got lost in his mesmerizing eyes. It's been so long since I last saw his eyes. I felt so much relief to see him awake, to feel him holding onto me. That unbearable weight was finally lifted off my shoulders. Our breathing was slow and steady and I was finally at peace.

There was a long pause before he answered. "Because Tem…it's my job to protect my future wife."

…wait ...wife..?

And then it hit me like a bolt of light. My eyes widen, but he kissed me before I had time to rebuttal.

From the corner of my eye I saw him slip a diamond ring on my finger.

Fiancée.

 **A/N:** Thanks for reading, I hope you guys liked it! Please review! Oh and before someone ask why Shikamaru gave Temari a gladiolus….it's because a gladiolus is Temari's birth flower.

J.R


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